On the evening of October 16th I was working on a personal project, planning and writing a story inspired by my love of science fiction and fantasy, when I began to think about my time as an English major a few years ago. I decided to dig into my past a bit, looking at old social media posts, and I discovered that I had missed a very important date this year.

I had no idea that this year was the 5th anniversary of my first published work, “Meshugaas.” If I’m calculating correctly, it was published on May 1, 2019 by Foliate Oak Literary Magazine, which appears to no longer exist. At the very least, their old social media accounts have been purged. I am still grateful that they considered my work worth putting in their name. Since I missed the anniversary, it seems appropriate to me that this goes out around Halloween, due to the darker nature of the essay. That places three articles in this month of October. Assume that this one takes the place of November if I’m not able to get another one out before December.

“Meshugaas” was a creative non-fiction piece that I wrote as a struggling college student. I was an English major at the time, and even though now I am a Biblical Studies major, my love for creative writing has not gone away. At that time I was dealing with severe psychotic depression, but I did not know this until a year later, after I had withdrawn from school. As a young adult experiencing depressive mood swings, panic attacks, and visual and auditory hallucinations, I thought I was going crazy. I thought I had schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, or some other disease of the mind that would destroy me. I denied that there was anything spiritual about what was going on with me, insisting that it was all in my head. Maybe it was. However, I now recognize that it is certainly possible I was under spiritual attack. We sometimes chuckle at old literature for blaming mental disorders on the demonic.

“They had no clue,” we say as we laugh.

But the more that I read of modern scholarship, the more that I realize we don’t really “have a clue” either. Maybe sickness of the mind is so hard to understand scientifically because there is always a spiritual side to it. I can’t say with certainty that all mental illness is the effect of a demon’s harassment. Surely, some mental issues are the result of genetic and environmental factors, and some are the consequence of our own actions. I simply believe that we should not entirely discount the effect the spiritual has on our mental and emotional wellbeing. It would be foolish to assume that the spiritual has no or minimal impact on us.

So I wrote of my suffering, my descent into the void, and I threw it out into the void. Before I sent “Meshugaas” out to potential publishers, I had put it on Twitter (it was Twitter at the time) in a series of tweets. The character limit is what established the size of the largest paragraphs. This was intentional, because I wanted whole thoughts to be broken up and scattered. The choppy incoherence is a stylistic representation of my thoughts at the time. I deleted those tweets years ago, so there is no need to look for them. They didn’t receive any views or likes, for what it’s worth. I still don’t understand how to appropriately use most social media, but I continue to use it anyway.

My mental state today is considerably better than it was then. What happened in-between? Well, a lot. My memory isn’t quite as good as it once was, thanks to the years of sleep deprivation, but I can recount some major beats of this story.

Just before the summer of 2019, “Meshugaas” was published. As an English major, I couldn’t have been happier. This happiness was not long-lasting, unfortunately, and in the spring semester of 2020 I dropped out of school due to my mental health. This was right before the whole world fell apart and early enough in the semester that my GPA was unaffected. If I hadn’t left then, the onset of insanity from the pandemic certainly would have forced me out, and likely with consequences to my grades. I won’t fully describe my mental health journey, but it started with seeing a doctor who diagnosed me with depression. I received counseling for some time, but did not accept any drug treatments. Generally, when your depression is as severe as mine was at the time, the professionals will strongly suggest doing counseling and anti-depressants together. However, due to a family history of issues with drugs, I was afraid of becoming dependent on them and went without.

In 2020 I started working as a sales associate and quickly became a lead sales associate (which is basically an assistant manager without the pay). In 2021, Hannah and I got married. When we returned from our honeymoon, I made the mistake of trying to chase better paying jobs and left my retail job, bouncing around between jobs that, in two cases, were extremely detrimental to my health. I was left unemployed for an extended period of time, and bills were burning up what little we had in savings. We were very stressed and wondering what we should do. We talked about returning to school to study what we really wanted, but this time with the support of each other to keep going. Fortunately, our parents on both sides supported our decision to return to college in 2022. However, despite talking about going to school for what we really wanted, I still hadn’t learned my lesson from my first attempt and decided to go to school for something that really didn’t interest me because I wanted job security. I graduated with an associate’s degree this year, delayed from last year due to the accident. After wrestling with God and my faith over the summer, I finally decided to pursue an education in what I’ve wanted since I was 14. Now we’re both working on bachelor’s degrees. If you’ve read the “About” page, you’ll know that Hannah is studying art and I am studying the Bible. Somewhere in that mess we got three snakes and a dog. We have not been blessed with children yet, but hopefully soon, Lord willing.

Mentally, despite experiencing new symptoms associated with the trauma of the accident (night terrors, flashbacks, and others), I am in a better headspace than I’ve been in a long time. I’m doing well in school, enjoying my classes, slowing down for hobbies and sleep, and generally less anxious. I still experience stress, absolutely. As I mentioned, I’ve begun experiencing anxiety in new ways. I also still struggle with depressive spirals at times. But through lots of prayer every day, the Lord empowers me and makes it possible to keep going. Journaling helps, exercising helps, sleeping enough helps, socializing enough but not too much helps. All of these things add up and improve my life, but it wasn’t until I really started praying and meditating on Scripture that I’ve really felt a freedom and confidence that I haven’t felt in years.

When I was younger, I erroneously believed that for a prayer to be genuine, I had to come up with it on my own. If you are a Christian, I beg you, do not let yourself be fooled by this kind of thinking. The Lord Jesus Christ taught us how to pray, and praying the Lord’s Prayer is no less genuine of a prayer because of it. It is, by necessity, the perfect prayer, and you can pray it with genuine, heartfelt belief. It contains everything you could need in a prayer: recognizing the Holy God, submitting to His will, requesting His provision, asking for forgiveness and forgiving others, and seeking deliverance and protection from evil. Another good prayer is the Apostle’s Creed, which reminds me of my faith and the hope I have in Jesus. A short prayer that I use in nearly every stressful situation is the Jesus Prayer, because in nearly every situation I need the Lord’s mercy. Lastly, when I am especially distressed, I take comfort in praying Psalm 23. This Psalm guides me into the peace of God.

There are a number of other prayers that are also helpful, like the rest of the Psalms, and you can find them in a number of places online or in books like “The Treasury of Daily Prayer.” I think it’s appropriate on this holy day, All Hallows Evening (Halloween), to share with you the prayers that the Lord has been using to help me.

The Apostle’s Creed

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. And in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried. He descended into hell. The third day He rose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. From thence He will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian/catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen.

The Lord’s Prayer

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever, Amen.

The Jesus Prayer

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Psalm 23 (KJV)

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Thank you for reading these contemplations. I hope that the Lord uses this blog to edify you. I pray for grace, mercy, and love from the Father over your life. Amen.